And so I was asked to review all my emotions and feelings from this week. I am glad that my Master gave me this task. It is our very beginning and we both agreed that communication, building link and trust and openly talk about everything is very important. I was happy to spend a long, long time already with Him talking.
The first what I feel about our new relationship is excitement about the new, happiness of opportunities and possibilities but also fear of being hurt again, a bit of anxiety over whether it will work or not and concern of how our D/s relation will (or not) influence my vanilla relationship and life in general. I do realize the last one is something we have no control over, and that everything can happen. I am sure we both equally want it to work and will try to succeed.
I am mainly excited about the new. It is impossible to describe how quiet and peaceful I feel knowing there is someone for me. I am not a lonely person, but I felt lonely because of not having a Dominant. I missed that. My submission is not only physical, a huge part of mental. It is my mind which is always aroused first before my body. And also it is the mind of other people that attracts me first before their bodies - and that I felt with you, my Master. I think some people call it ''chemistry''. I can sense it between us.
I am happily looking forward to all the good, exciting moments we are going to spend together. To more talks, which always bring us closer to each other and allow us to know each other better. I feel happy because I already know you are there and I can always call you or write to you. There are only a few people that I can talk to about my submission, about my kinks and generally about BDSM. I am glad that you are also my friend, not only my Dom. That, in my opinion, helps to build a connection and trust. I think the fact that we knew each other a little before helped us starting a deeper relationship. I am looking forward to all plays, laughs and sessions.
I am also a bit scared of being hurt again. I think it is a natural reaction to what I have lived not so long ago. I am not the type of person who complains or cries over her faith. I rather keep everything inside me and still am grateful for what good I have. I know it is not the best solution - sometimes my negative emotions cumulate and I feel depressed. Three years ago I ran away from the relationship full of alcohol and domestic violence. On the spur of the moment, after a miscarriage which crushed me so much, I packed my stuff and moved out - in two and a half hours. I lost a lot - all my savings, many items that were precious. But I felt I have to save myself. And I am thanking God that I found that little strength to do that, because no one knew, outside everything was perfect and I was alone with that. I started from zero and then after a little while I met my previous Dom. I was given strength, the courage to change my life again and support. When it was over after 2,5 years I was devastated - he was not only my friend, my lover, partner, and husband-to-be but also a Dominant. And here comes the fear I have now - I am scared of feeling again that pain.
I am also a bit anxious over whether our D/s connection will and how it will influence my relationship. The last thing I want is any of us being hurt or confused. I think here comes the matter of trust and open communication between all parties. As long as I feel my vanilla relationship is full of honesty and my partner knows about you, my Master, I really hope it works. I know it is a hard commitment and it demands a huge level of trust and I do realize the possible dangers (like jealousy etc). But at the same time, we both know the truth - most D/s relationships work like that and having all in one is a privilege of a few.
I am grateful our roads crossed again my Master. I am happy we took the decision to meke them one path to walk together.
Isabelle